I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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