honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
