They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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