I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
