VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think people are normalizing furries
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
