You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
