I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
