I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think a kid would responsible me up
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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