I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
