I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
