she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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