tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
