I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
