You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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