I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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