My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
