When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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