I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
