Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
