What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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