so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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