in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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