Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
