Sry I called you an 8
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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