i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
