i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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