sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
