Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
There's always time for handjobs
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
