Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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