I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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