My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
