alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
