Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
