we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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