Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
