Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
