How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
