drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
