bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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