i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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