I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
