Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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