How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
