She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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