Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
