she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
