My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
