Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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