If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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