and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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